Touch Her With Your Wii Wii

Massage your way through the weirdest Wii game yet

by Peter Y. Levin

Playing video games is obviously the best way to learn how to interact with a woman. The Sims let you practice the art of domestic coexistence. Tomb Raider was all about you and a dream date sharing adventure. Mortal Kombat taught you the most important lesson of all: a woman, if not treated properly, can pull out your spine.

As of today you can download Enjoy Your Massage!, a WiiWare game that quasi-simulates the experience of touching a woman's back. This latest (full) release in the pantheon of gloriously bizarre Wii games has the cheap, gauzy look of a late-night Skinemax film, but none of the attempts at a plot. In the game, a female enters your spa in breathless need of a rubdown. Her back then becomes divided into sections, which light up in a certain order. It is your job to repeat that order. Kind of like you’re playing Simon Says…on a lady’s back. Stroke your client well enough, and you’re rewarded with a shot of her in skimpy clothing that you can—ludicrous perv alert!—zoom in on. (If all that sounds too complex for you to follow, you should probably check out the elevator music-filled trailer.)

All told, Enjoy Your Massage! is the perfect way to learn how to give a real-life woman a massage. Provided her back looks like a disco floor.

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